Goodbye my lover….goodbye my friend
I stood at the door watching him leave and my heart sank, I felt like a rock had been placed on my chest and I couldn’t breath anymore, my legs felt like jelly, I was breaking down and the reality of the matter was yes he was leaving.
This was the one time I got to understand the idea of a feeling that is some what overwhelming because at that particular moment I could not even put to words the emotions and or the feelings I really don’t know.
As I closed the door behind me, the pain grew and I felt like I had also closed a chapter of my life, but no I was actually opening and beginning a new one though this new one was one never anticipated.
And it is nothing but a mystery for I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that despite all the questions,fears and pain I look back and with tears in my eyes, I smile because it felt so damn good and I wouldn’t want that to change and I wouldn’t ask for more.
I cried so hard till I could cry no more. I tried calling a few friends but my voice was somehow lost and I could barely say anything.
There were a couple of pauses in between the cries as I was in my own reminisce zone. Asking my self ”What did I expect having chosen this adventure, shouldn’t I have prepared to go the whole way? Was he even as sad?
Did I think that the idea of him leaving was simply just a nightmare and I would wake up to it in sweaty pyjamas and realize that it was only just a dream and go back to sleep. Or is it because I had not known him for a long time I thought Lady Luck would simply have compassion on my poor soul?
Or did I think that with intelligence I could avoid the ups and downs and the pain and the stress. But even the goddesses of love have stories to tell of their highs and the lows on this journey called love.
At that moment I felt way too lonely and it hurt so bad and it felt like the feeling would last for eternity, but I had to believe that the rainbow will be there after this storm that I was walking in.
My life felt like a roller coaster going way too fast and making me dizzy but I can say it also felt like a parachute jump,thus taking chances , falling over and getting up again. And even when he is gone I decide to smile about it.
It feels like mountain climbing ,wanting to get to the very top and feeling angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it.
Like a journey on the curvy mountain tracks, I felt trapped and sick and terrified of every bend and wanting to get off at every bend but i believe this track is my destiny and God is in charge of this machine.
The mornings are still the hardest as each sunrise comes with the emotions but like they say it gets better in time.
What ever happens I am a content and happy woman.I pray that God protects and guides the ONE who has my heart in a foreign land. The thought of him being far is truly heartbreaking but the moments I cherish make it all better.
.Now each day I listen to all the songs we listened to together and all the littlest and random things seem to remind me of you and though somehow sad I see myself smile.
I was trying to feel some kind of GOOD-bye. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even feel sad,why? I don’t care if it’s a sad good-bye or a bad good-bye, but when he walked out of the door it became clear and real he was leaving . I felt even worse and he took a part of my heart with him.
How happy I was and still am to have met such an amazing human being and the marks left in just a short period are astonishingly beautiful but oh how sad I am to have had to say goodbye.
They say goodbye only hurts when you know you will never say hello again, but for me it hurt because I didn’t want to say goodbye.
Goodbye my lover…. Goodbye my friend…..