I loved the responses from the previous post which made me eager to write this second part.
Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled.A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.
At times I just feel that people of my generation have just lost it and forgotten why they got into the marriage in the first place. Or maybe there is really nothing to fight for but at times when you weigh what you are about to lose then you will realise the reason you ought to hold on. I have a few married friends, colleagues and sisters and so many times one tells me that one thing that is bothering them in their marriage. I ask them if they have sat down to talk about it and in most cases it’s a no.
Communication is vital in any relationship. I have realised that at times someone keeps doing something that annoys the life out of you. This is because they don’t even know that it gets to you so how about we communicate. When it comes to communication it doesn’t mean talk about the wrong doings only, even showing appreciation is communication. It’s crazy how most human beings remember all the wrong things done to them but fail to remember the good.
I think we all need just five simple things to make our relationships and marriages last. These are honesty, communication, trust, love and faithfulness but on top of it all we need God. If God is not at the centre of it all then you are simply messing around. Whenever situations make you or your spouse anxious, pray about them, trusting God to intervene in those situations and guide and empower you to deal with them well. As you trust God, he will give you peace.
Bring out the best in each other by encouraging each other to pursue the dreams that God has placed on both of your hearts. Don’t let one spouse’s dreams get neglected; aim to be fair and equitable about how you allocate your shared attention, time, energy, and money so that both of you can pursue your God-given dreams.
Then brings me to the idea of all the people who were there before you guys got married. Your hubby will always have his group of boys who he will always wants to hang with. Your wifey will always want a girl’s luncheon, or movie date here and there. Truth of the matter is these family and friends have in a way made us who we are today. So because he put the ring on you it doesn’t mean that he cannot have some time with the boys or her with the girls.
Getting married sure meant that you both wanted to spend the rest of your lives together but it did not mean leaving everyone else out. So you never liked that other friend that he had when you were still dating but he stayed what makes you think that friend will go now that you are joined by holy matrimony. If you think he will change, don’t be surprised when he doesn’t and that friend is at your house every weekend.
We’ve been fooled or maybe we just fooled ourselves in to believing that perfection is attainable. It’s not. Never has been, never will be, and yet, we are all looking for that perfect individual. We are all looking to become that perfect individual. Sadly, we’re all going to fail, and it’s going to suck. No matter how unrealistic our expectations are, the disappointment we feel when they aren’t achieved is very real. The grass always seems greener on the other side. But who the hell told you to look for greener grass?We are getting into marriages not to be completed but as complete individual who complement each other no 50/50 but 100/100.
We are goal driven but often forget to include our partner in the mix. I love the fact that our generation focuses on the individual, allowing for personal growth and development. I’m proud our generation believes working for us is better than working for someone else. But then the Miss Oh so successful thinks because she got a fat bank account she can walk away any day. And the Mr Oh yeah I’ve made it thinks it’s ok if you want to walk away I will get myself a new Mrs in a minute.
So then where are we really going with our relationships? I don’t mean stay in an abusive relationship and all that but there are things that we are just missing. Having dreams and setting goals are both incredibly important; however, what’s more important is setting the right goals. We need to understand the difference between the things and individuals in our life who hold value and those that do not.
Let me try sum this up the other reason of the hundred that has millennials failing in marriage or relationships is our great belief in fairy tale endings. The problem with fairy tales, movies and all these social media posts of #baegoals is that they are incredibly inaccurate. We often end up doing more harm than good. They create impossible expectations — expectations that always leave us disappointed in the end, not to mention confused. Your marriage is not the Cinderella story , you ought to let God write it with you as the main character.
Our parents and grandparents relationships have last long not because they were destined to last long. They have lasted long simply because the two people involved have made a choice, to keep it, fight for it and work for it. With my generation I have heard the ‘’ndodzokera kumba kwedu or unodzokera kumba kwenyu’’ line way too often.
”If you change partners every time it gets tough or you get a little dissatisfied, then I don’t think you get the richness that’s available in a long-term relationship.” Jeff Bridges
So if we are not in it for the long run then why are we even wasting our breath? If we are not in it to stay in it then why get into it in the first place? I still believe in being real and I still believe in giving and going all the way 100. There is more to life than matching African print outfits, couple t-shirts and club hopping or baecations. I want to be in it for the long the long run if not Haaaai Suka..