relationships, life,

#HealingAugust: I Am Jealous That You Are Happy Without Me

‘Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There’s nothing to forgive
But I always thought you’d come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It’s hard for me to say, I’m jealous of the way
You’re happy without me

Jealous : Labrinth

In 2015 I lost a part of me as I lost my beautiful maternal grandmother and an amazing friend Kudakwashe ”Boss” Dhliwayo. Both of their deaths left me with questions I will never get answers to unless indeed in the after life we will meet our loved ones again.

I remember the last time i saw my grandmother and I wanted to take a photo with her but my phone ran out of battery. If i had known I would have taken a million pictures even with her on her death bed but guess what dumb me didn’t do all that. She thought she got her granny for the rest of her life.

image from Pinterest

I remember saying goodbye to Kuda after an amazing lunch date which left me with my ribs hurting from all the laughing. We were actually supposed to meet up again but sadly work and school got in the way. Actually they really did not but I just thought that we had all the time in the world.

Instead of another phone call of us planning our date I got a phone call that he was gone and I was shattered. I am jealous of the people who got to see you on your death bad. Even if it wasn’t a pleasant sight, I would have wanted to be there and say goodbye.

I wanted to tell you how no matter what happened I still cared for you and would have done anything just to be with you one last time but ad always in the case of death, time won. Your faith in my being strong baffles me. The same with my grandmother the both of you simply decided to leave with the faith that I would do okay without you.

But guess what , every single time my mom talks of her mom I always have to tell her that we thank God for the time we spent with her. But deep down I feel the time was too little.

MaGogo, I am angry at you for leaving without saying goodbye. I miss your road – runner stew (locally bred chickens) and you sneezing after sniffing on your snuff. I want to hug and even as people celebrated your life at your funeral I still felt jealous because I never got to experience certain moments with you. Even today I am jealous that you are happy without me.

Losing a friend to suicide is the worst experience. I have been angry at myself, thinking maybe I wasn’t a good friend and I should have been there or known that as you hugged me goodbye and walked away in your maroon chinos, African print shirt, moccasins and your contagious smile that it was goodbye. I hate that I have questions no one can ever answer. I hate that you thought so highly of me that you thought my life without you would be just fine and I would just move on.

But I have been there and know that at times suicide seems the best solution when it really isn’t. I forgive you and they told me you are in a happy place. But I really can not help but be jealous, that you are happy without me.

How have you dealt with losing a loved one? How have you been coping?

3 thoughts on “#HealingAugust: I Am Jealous That You Are Happy Without Me”

  1. I am confused by these:
    “I lost my beautiful maternal grandmother who died on 04-01-2015″” vs
    “But guess what , every single time my mom talks of her mom I always have to tell her that we thank God for the time we spent with her. But deep down I feel the time was too little.” vs
    “I lost both my parents before I was 16 so my little brother and I had to move to my paternal Aunt’s house.”

    Liked by 1 person

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