In this life, I believe that we have two types of families that is one’s biological family or blood relations and the chosen family. Our blood relations are the ones who can be all kinds of mess and annoying but we can never shake it off or even change it. Well thanks to technology we can block and delete but even when their calls are blocked and they cannot tag you on their Facebook posts, they remain blood. Like the Shona saying “hukama haugezwe nesipo setsvina”. My translation of this is “no matter what family remains family.” With the chosen family, same way I chose you, if it’s not working out I am allowed and can just do away with you. I have always said this, relationships whatever kind get complicated as we get into adulthood. I am not sure why it then becomes hard to create and maintain these relations but somehow it is a different ball game. Dear reader, whatever the case maybe, I do hope and pray that you are able to have fulfilling and sustainable relationships of any kind in your adult life.
If you have been following me and reading my posts of course for the last couple of years, you know how I love sharing pieces from the heart. I have at some point felt like I write too many sad stories but anyway it is what it is. I have been contemplating whether to write this post or write a message to the person in the story but then I realised that I just needed an outlet as this has been wearing really heavy on my heart. We always talk about the breakups and heartache from romantic relationships but no one ever got me ready for the pain that comes with friendship or even family breakup. I know we believe that family will always be family but sometimes they are just family because of DNA but there is no relationship whatsoever. More of what dead beat dads are to their children. If you have ever been ghosted in a relationship then maybe in a way you will be able to understand my story today. Only difference is I was ghosted by family.
All was well and she was my absolute favourite. We were like the cousin version of Bonnie and Clyde, she was the family Ying to my Yang and even any boring family function was worthwhile because of her. Not sure if I should label this a break up story but all I can say is that it’s a story of pain and loss. The pain that comes from losing that one other person who apart from my siblings made this life thing easier. For the last few months I have been wondering what exactly went wrong and what I could have possibly done wrong to push her away.
Sounding like an abused wife or girlfriend right? Who assumes that whatever went wrong was their fault and tracing all the minute details to try and figure out what went wrong. With our mothers being sisters, whether we liked it or not, we were in each other’s life and involuntarily stuck with each other. She was that part of my family that I am glad I never had to choose. When God sent her to this earth he knew I needed and older sister to be looking out for me, holding my hand and walking by my side every step of the way.
However all this changed and without knowing what exactly went wrong, one of the best adult relationships I had in my life was just dead. My cousin is the emotional one, the one that feels and expresses more and I on the other hand is the one who just lives. I am the one who can block, delete and move on in 5 minutes, but somehow it worked. With her expressing more and showing me how to feel I became a better human being and would even open up to her. We both were there for each other when life was the hardest and there was no one else to turn to. Last year life just threw hard, round and huge curveballs at us, leaving us bruised on the ground grateful that our hearts still were beating.
There were divorces, heartbreaks, lost job contracts and a lot of pain but at the same time life didn’t stop. After two of my contracts were terminated I had to make decisions that ensured that I would be able to live my adult life without so much financial pressure. This decision meant that we had to move from the place we were staying at, either together or alone. We ended up going our separate ways and somehow the relationship died.
I am big on energy and when I feel some negative vibe I am ready to just walk away not because I do not want the relationship but more of being scared of reaching out and trying to fix a relationship that cannot be salvaged. At some point I did try use this and just let go when it came to my cousin but then again, it hurt not knowing what went wrong and not having her in my life. I really wanted things to go back to how they were but at the same time I wanted to know why the negative energy? I finally reached out and in my message I mentioned how there seemed to be a negative energy between the two of us since we moved and in all of this I was simply trying to understand what went wrong. In all honesty I was just trying to understand if I did something wrong and fix my relationship with my cousin. In her response she said all was well and girl was focused on trying to find a way forward and move on with her life after everything that had happened. This was more of goodbye (I’m dramatic I know) as from that conversation we really never spoke to each other.
No one ever prepared me for the pain that comes with not being able to do life with one of your favourite people in the world. I kept wanting to reach out again and just get to understand what happened but to what end? Family is supposed to be our safe haven, but very often it is the place we find the deepest heartache. I have recently accepted that right now my relationship with my cousin is not where it was and maybe it will never get back to how it was. However I am glad that I got to reach out and try salvage the relationship but that’s about it. We haven’t ever been in the same room since a family function last year and hopefully the next time we meet it won’t be awkward. They say family is just family and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers and adoption documents. Families are really made in the heart and you cannot just get rid of them. So the only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut.
Impilo Nje 