I Am A Woman And I Am Not Sorry

It’s hard, it’s tough and many would say they  understand. You wouldn’t understand how it feels to be a woman if you really not one. You could sympathise and pity. Like  how only a mother knows the pain of  child birth, only a woman knows the struggle.

No man knows how it feels to live your life apologising  for who you are or not being who the world or society wants  you  to  be. Some do sympathize , some do  pity but they will never understand. I have always wanted to see things from the eyes of a wife basher, a rapist  or an abusive male partner. In my few decades on this earth I have since failed to get a convincing answer as to why anyone would choose  to be the reason of someone’s agony. Or how someone thinks that I am supposed to act a certain way based on gender.

I think it’s sad for the people around me because despite being a woman and having tons of expectations I am on a mission to do me. I have grown tired of   being sorry for not being that which they want me to be.

I am not sorry that I choose to develop myself and grow as a woman on my own before I choose to settle.

I am not sorry for agreeing that a man can take care of me but I also can take care of myself .

I am not sorry that I still believe in being real and don’t have time to play around, if you not being real I don’t have the space nor the time for you .

I am not sorry that I want to involve God in all I do.If you believe in something else it’s okay let me do me

I am not sorry that I would walk away without hesitation the moment I feel unsafe  or the moment someone  decides to make my body his punching bag.

I am not sorry that I love my career and would not settle for someone who thinks my place in the world is at home so what am I supposed to do with all the potential and energy I have.

I am not sorry that I want to dress in a certain way and even if you see it unfit I will dress how I want when I want.

I have been told how to act around people,how to talk,how to dress, how to eat  or even how to love.I have lived my life apologising for so many things which now feels like I have been apologising for being a woman and apologising for being  me. I am not on a mission of being a size 6 waist or have the finest behind and  or the lightest skin. I am fine and feel amazing the way I am . I am not on some vegan diet or whatever because I keep fit and diet does not exist in my vocabulary.

I am a woman and  I am not sorry for who I am. I am not on a mission to explain to the society why I am the way I am , or dress the way I dress, or talk the way I do or walk the way I do or everything else that I do. I am a woman and I am proud.

Like my friend Pineapple always says ”Do you because life is too short to live according to society’s blue print.”

Just let me be a woman and appreciate me if not then walk away because I am unapologetic for being who I am.

If It Wasn’t For God….

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Be content in times of weakness.This doesn’t mean to settle in and enjoy it. It means to recognize that God is working wonders through it. So many times we face trials,tribulation,stress, and we are in need of something so bad, we face persecution and we wonder where God is. I can testify and tell you that truly in everything we go through good or bad our Father is looking down on us and  has got our back nomatter what.

So growing up a pastor’s child I had no doubt whatsoever that God is looking down on  me . But nothing in this life is ever guaranteed as life is always throwing things at us  both good and bad. I was born in an average family not rich not poor we just survived. There was a certain time when I was in fifth grade at Queensdale Primary.

Things were so bad financially that I would leave the house for school not even knowing what  the people at home would have for lunch or what we were to eat for dinner. I remember my little dresses were all old and with worn out shoulders and I had to weasr my jersey the whole time so no one sees it. My beautiful mother had to sew the shoulders which would tore like  almost everyday . This was because of the dresses being old and the friction caused by my backpack straps.

This did not stop me froim being the vibrant and energetic little girl I was but it ate my father up. He took my hand with tears in his eyes one day and asked me  ‘’So what do you think of this God  who I serve and who called me yet you are going to school in a torn uniform’’. Up until this day I am shocked at my response the same way my own  father was shocked. ‘’Hanti munoti Mwari wenyu anonzwa anokomborera so achatikomborera’’ that’s saying ‘’you preach that God hears and he blesses so he will bless us ‘’.

I didn’t question why but I was sure that my God would see us through.In every season ,in every circumstance his grace is sufficient. During all the difficulties I have learnt that  even when we can’t understand why, we should be thankful and  it will open our eyes and mend our hearts in a way we never imagined.

I know what it feels like being that child who is not going to the field trip because her parents can’t afford it, having that plain sandwhich during break when others have ham, going for years without new clothes or shoes. I am familiar with being home and when all your friends are starting college and Uni because there is no money at home.

That really didn’t stop me from aiming higher because I knew and still know that my God is able to do abundantly,exceedingly above all that I could think of or ever imagine. It has only made stronger and more focused. I have just only started the world is not ready for me yet. No misfortune ,mishap or bad experience can stop you from making it in this life .You just have to want it to have it..Like my friend Pineapple always says ,”You owe yourself the life you crave for.”

God’s grace carried me through the bad days ,it carried me through college and by grace I will carry on. Trust God through it all and one day you will look back with tears of joy and gratitude and sing thus far the Lord has taken me. Through it all I have learnt that the  will of God will never take you where his grace can not find you. His grace is with you nomatter what.

I did not write this to prove that God answers prayers, which he does but just to show that I am a living monument of grace . I do not understand the mystery of grace , but I know it meets us were we are and it sure doesn’t leave us there.

Whatever you are going through there is nothing too big for the man uphigh.I am thankful for so many things but most importantly God because without him by my side where would I be.

If it wasn’t God where would I be?

©Scotch_royalty

Sometimes I Wonder….

When we were in high school I still remember singing,’’Sometimes I wonder, were life will take me. I am afraid to face the future but I can’t look back….

Back then we would sing the song but did we really mean what we sang and did we even know what we sang, I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe every time I would take heed of other people’s advice, I wouldn’t have made some of the mistakes I did

Then I wonder that if I had not  made those mistakes then would I have learnt anything at all. Maybe the mistakes were going to follow me and catch up with me at a certain time .

Sometimes I wonder maybe if I was born to a different family, life would have been all perfect and rosy and I would never had struggled in any way.

Then I wonder where would I be without the support ,love and care of my crazy family. Life was never perfect and I never had it all but I would never  trade my family for anything else. They are my double blessings.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God out there ,up there or where ever. Is his love so big for all of us and does he really care for all of us .If he so does then why the pain and the heartache, the stress and the struggles

Then I wonder who  had my back the whole time when I was down and out. There  are  many times  that I look back and smile and say that surely was my God.  If it wasn’t for his love and mercy then where would I be.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother caring for some people . Then I realise I have got such a big heart  and so much love when I can help really why not because at the end of the day we all need someone.

Sometimes I wonder whose side God is on, but if he wasn’t on mine one thing is certain I really wouldn’t be here.

Sometimes I wonder if I could read people’s minds and get to know what they think about me. I wonder if I could just disappear and see who will miss my presence.

Then I realise maybe it won’t be as sweet as I would want it to be and maybe the people that I think would miss me when I am gone will not even notice when it does happen.

Sometimes I wonder if love is worth fighting for and so many times I am ready for war. Then I realise I don’t even have any energy left in me to do so.

Sometimes I really wonder why I haven’t just thrown in the towel and just hand in the gloves. Then I realise that perseverance and that burning desire to succeed won’t let me stop .

Sometimes I wonder if I am a girl with a storm instead of a soul  or if I am a storm inside this fragile girl’s skin. I really do not know

Sometimes I wonder why I do what I do. I know I got some crazy habits that I wish I could change but I can’t do all this alone.

Dear Lord , I ask you to help me let go of this buggage that I know is not pleasing to you. Help me to let go and be free.

These are just thoughts randomly in my head….

©Scotch_royalty

Are You Afraid Of The Dark

I  hold on with no sign of letting go

Clinging to it like its all there is  to this lifetime

The way I carry myself shows I am not even considering moving on

They all look at me and question my choices

But my eyes take you deep into a dark world revealing not too much but fear

If only I could tell you my story maybe my craziness would actually make sense

Maybe then my fear would shed more light on my attitude making you understand

I am cautious in my every move

Like someone who is scared of messing up or doing it wrong

I am on a mission to be ever perfect afraid of being judged

Afraid of being labelled a failure and the black apple of the family

I am afraid of the stigmatisation brought forth by society

Like a child who is afraid of the dark

Which is merely a fear of the unknown

So I am with my heart

It is broken already, shattered is the word

Like a glass dropped from the top cupboard

And its million pieces spreading all over

Hurting those unaware of its breaking

I am afraid of walking away from my toxic surroundings

Robotically programmed thinking that it is all I know

Pain is all I will ever know and feel

Afraid to step out of the cave and feel the sunshine on my pale skin

Confused that maybe the damage already done is okay and can be endured

Than the idea of letting go,moving on and walking away

I am lost in my own world trying to put a finger to what exactly I am afraid of

Maybe if I was to take not a leap but a step or even a crawl

Of faith I will realise that what is scary, is how I am slowly dying yet I am unaware

The grass may not be greener out there now

But the rains are coming and the arid savannah will have a beautiful shade of green

I just have to  give it time and  not be afraid

I am not afraid of the dark

I am scared of what I think is in  it

I am not afraid of heights

I am just  afraid of falling

I am  not afraid of the people around me

I am  simply afraid of rejection

I really can’t be afraid of love

I am just afraid of not being loved back

I am  not afraid to let go

I am just scared of accepting the reality that he is gone

I am  not afraid of trying again

I am just afraid of  getting hurt for the same reason

©Scotchroyalty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Are Not Dead Yet

It is every sensible girls dream to further their education and go on to college or university after high school. This was my dream. Imagine the disappointment; after getting my results and with all the choices of programmes I would apply for in mind, the harsh reality that the financial situation at home at that time did not permit for me to go to university kicked in.

I was hurting. The numerous phone calls and updates from friends and former school mates made it even worse. Fortunately the heavens smiled on me or the ancestors perhaps as my parents were moved to another city. This eased a lot of pressure on me as I became far from my peers thus not have to see them often.

I wallowed in my sorrow. I remember having to cry myself to sleep for many nights. Many times I would want to call or chat with my friends but they would tell me they are studying or in a lecture. That however taught me a valuable lesson. I learnt that sometimes we really do not have time for certain things or certain things are not as important hence focus on the important is crucial. I figured if one of my friends had to take my calls during a lecture it could have cost them a great part of their life.

I felt stuck and so much a failure because I had my goals set and at that moment the only thing I wanted was to be at college. My whole life, my success, my happiness and that of my parents all depended on that. It is true ‘‘no one can destroy your dream, unless you let them” otherwise you destroy it yourself. I saw the light though, and this I know will get me a decent portion of critics but education to me has never been a guarantee of success.

I am sure all the graduates in Zimbabwe can confirm how their education has accounted for nothing in their lives. The simple reason being most people simply give up. Life as we know it was never meant to be easy – it’s a constant struggle, with extreme lows and a fair share of its highs. The times when it’s most important to persevere are the same times one is constantly tested. It sure felt like the end of the world. I ask myself now; was it ever real then, the way I felt about the whole situation or simple peer pressure?

One day my mother got into my room and she found her little girl drenched in tears. She hugged me and told me the one good thing ”YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET” even though it feels like the end.

I slept on those words and woke up a different lady.  I had to accept the harsh reality that I could not go to university at that particular time. I realised I still had the opportunity to make it in life, have dreams come true while making my parents happy at the same time. I am challenged by Gayton Mckenzie’s story. Despite dusty matric results and a criminal record to his name, the South African wrote a best seller which has sold millions, became one of South Africa’s most sought motivational speakers and now owns a company enlisted on not just one but two stock exchanges. Now how is that for an ex-con who realised he could still pursue his dreams even though the future looked bleak.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
– Alexander Graham Bell.

I decided my focus should not only be on going to university. I got time to do things that I greatly love that is dancing and writing. I wrote so much poetry those days and got to be a dance instructor (choreographer) for the kids from my church. I would get accessories for resell in Harare to Bulawayo for that extra cash. It sounds cliché but I knew what I wanted and I was determined to achieve it.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. An orphaned girl, Maud Chifamba (14) quickly comes to mind. She is the youngest person to ever get enrolled at a tertiary institution. Despite the situation she was in and her background, she defied all the odds.  She will always be talked about decades to come.

As I said before, life was never meant to be a romantic walk in the park. That unplanned pregnancy, failed exams, contract termination among other circumstances are all setbacks that will only disturb all preconceived plans but note I said ”disturb.”  It really does not matter, wear that pain like stilettos if you are a lady and like your favourite pair of sneakers for the fellas. At the end of the day life goes on and as long you hold on dreams will be fulfilled.

Work hard! Never get tired to fight for what you want and what you believe in. Be strong and courageous and know that you can do anything you put your mind to. The only way to deal with pain is feeling it. People will always try to bring you down. It is how you respond to the falling down that defines your pathway to success. Many say lemonade is overrated but when life hands you lemons, whatever you want to do with them is solely your decision.

So yes it did not work out the way you wanted it to, it seems it is taking forever or delaying, there is no reason to throw in the towel YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET! As long you still breathing you still can

 

 

 

#ThisFlag #ThisZimbabwe #WeAreOne

”I’M NOT PUTTING DOWN!! We have a HOPE so strong it’s birthing a COURAGE so infectious ”- @PastorEvanLive

Over the weekend, I had someone close to me ask me ”wamboona Mawarire’s new video”, asking me if I had seen the recent video by Zimbabwean Pastor Evan Mawarire who started with the viral #ThisFlag movement. The movement which had Zimbabweans both here and in the diaspora airing out their views, lamenting their sorrows of having not much to celebrate on the 18th of April each year after 37 years of independence.

I will not get into the details of the demonstrations, Mawarire’s arrest, him leaving Zimbabwe, his fame and popularity in the world, the charges against him, the mixed feelings amongst Zimbabweans on whether this brother really has Zimbabweans at heart or not or whether he was doing it for some selfish reasons or advocating for change. Whatever your thoughts maybe the #ThisFlag movement has in a way brought Zimbabweans together giving you an example of the way they were advocating for Mwarire to be freed, Partson Dzamara to be freed and also airing out their views on social media and even taking part in the stay aways.

I know you are probably saying what is wrong with this child what we need are solutions, oh yes that’s why I am here to have my fellow Zimbabweans share with me the solutions that would bring that change that we are all yearning for.So in his recent video Pastor E mentions that he is not putting his flag  down he is going to keep walking with his flag as there is no law in the constitution that prohibits him from moving with the national flag.This then got me thinking about the number of people who bought the national flag at the brink of the campaign last year and started moving around with their flags me included but have since stopped.

We want change and yes change will come but  we also need perseverance and eat, think and sleep on the idea that if change is not here then there the more need to make our voices heard out there. My question to you then becomes who is supposed to bring this change that we all want.

Barrack Obama came with his ”YES WE CAN” slogans when he was campaigning for American presidency and he said, ”Change will not come if we wait for another person or some other time, we are the change we have been waiting for”.

I believe as much as people are sick and tired of Mugabe, Zanu Pf and the many politicians, we can never change these people unless we change the people who elect them, that’s changing the mindset of you and me. We have to become the change we want to see.

On the video, Pastor E was talking about how in order to totally reshuffle the government we can’t just start by just the president but right from the grassroots which are the members of parliament and councillors. Some of us have no idea who our Mp’s are but we are busy complaining about how they are not doing much in our communities.So here is my plea to you Zimbabweans let us work on removing and changing those Mp’s and councillors who haven’t done anything for us since they were elected yet  when they came they pretended they had out interest at heart and acted as if they could relate to our struggles. But were are they now with constituencies having water problems, uncollected rubbish, over populated schools, bad roads and so much more.

We say there is no need to vote ‘zvagara musangano uchangohwinha’‘ ,the ruling party will always winbut that’s what we want to change. We need to register to vote and then go on and vote and bring forth the change that we want. I don’t know about you but I am sick and tired of these people, basically ka ndabhoo. A bunch of other Zimbabweans have never seen the ignorance, degradation, hunger, sickness  and futility that other Zimbabweans are living in, they won’t be involved in  economic or political change until something brings the seriousness to their doorstep.

But what other seriousness do you want to see when every single time you pass the bank there is a winding queue of people who have worked but struggling to get their money. Relatives being attacked in foreign land as they went to seek greener pastures. We are so not putting the flag down up until we are heard.The time for change is now and the change we have been waiting for you is us, these folks as comfortable as they are will never know what hit them.

Put all those politicians and the presidents wife and kids on minimum wages and you will see how fast change will come.We need policy change and the most important thing people can do is to contribute and participate in  the political process. We have to vote out the people who are making us question if we even have rights as citizens of this nation and those people who are even against the National Peace and Reconciliation Bill.We are the change our nation needs.

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©Scotch_royalty263

 

 

 

 

Men Are Trash….But I Played The Fool

His phone rang and I knew it was another woman. He was stammering so much and struggling to make a decent conversation. I looked at him and smiled…

No I wasn’t happy that the good looking guy sitting next to me was just about to hang up his phone and either going to start a different conversation or try so hard to tell me his own version of ”once upon a time in China”.

I sat there my body hot with anger and waited as he said bye to the woman on the other side.He continued the conversation we were having before the phone rang and there I was playing the fool.On this very day my suspicions were proven accurate as I always thought there was something wrong with this guy.

I was in such a dilemma where I wanted so bad to distance myself from him but yet I couldn’t stomach the idea of letting go.I was tossing and turning the whole night on what to do but it was damn simple I had a choice. How I would want to slap anyone who walks up to me and says ”I didn’t have a choice”. I so had a choice of simply texting him and telling him I am done and block him and move on with my life.

Instead I talked to him and he was smart about everything but even after telling me I was the third person in the picture I decided to stay. So what the hell did this guy do wrong yet I am the one who decided to stay. I hated the fact that I was still hoping, but for what really? I realized that one of the hardest things to do is letting go of something that you would have thought to be real.

Some say its painful to wait for someone ,some say its painful to forget someone. But the worst pain comes when you don’t know whether to wait or forget. I couldn’t have chosen to wait because there was nothing and no one to wait for but sadly I did.It’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it’s even harder to give up when it’s everything you want.

Waiting for him was like waiting for rain in a drought – useless and disappointing.But I held on hoping he would finally leave his woman or that I would simply grow out of it and leave. I played the fool i gave him my body to do as he pleases I broke down the walls of Jericho. He didn’t have to climb over them but simply I gave him an easy ride.

I tried really hard, I promise. But one day I just woke up and I couldn’t handle it anymore.Loving him was not a mistake but thinking that he loved me was. The promises that he would leave his family for me were not stupid but me believing it was.I had a lot of reasons to leave but I chose to stay. I literally lost my mind trying to find his heart.

I don’t know what it is that made me love you but right now I hate me for loving you. You had my heart but i never had yours, I thought it was love so I stayed.But you weren’t trash for making me believe you loved me. Oh yes you never asked me to stay with someone else’s man that I chose too.In this case I chose to be trash by playing the fool.

Not every man is trash!So you had experience with a few bad ones now you going to use the same brush to paint every male specie. Is a gay man trash too? I wonder. There are still good men out there the tag is just not easily visible.So which ever brush you choose to paint these men I will simply say not all men are trash, ohh yes some are but just don’t play the fool woman.