It’s Fate But It Doesn’t Make Sense

So I saw him lying on that hospital bed on Saturday with the oxygen mask on. I couldn’t even stay in the room for long because I knew I was going to break down. I left and sat on a bench in the corridor. I had to take a deep breath so i could relax. People passed and some came to say hello but I was numb and dumbfounded. The state of my cousin Albert, sent a chill down every piece of me.

I went back in but we were all there looking at him as he gasped for breath, with his eyes closed not saying anything. We called his name and we could see him trying to open his eyes in response but failing. It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

Despite many failed kidney cases I just had hope that his creator was going to lend him another lease of life. I prayed each day he was in hospital telling the Almighty that from the book of Genesis to Revelations he had no record of failure so he sure could not fail me now, but oh well they call it ”God’s time” or the inevitability of fate but for now it just does not make sense. If I had known that my last visit was going to be the last time I see him I  would have  bid him farewell.They say you will never understand life until it grows inside you, so I can not begin to imagine the pain my aunt is growing through right now at the loss of her child. She probably is saying out her lamentation like Job, He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked I shall return there.The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.” If only it was easy to bless the Lord in such a time. I really am failing to understand this thing called LIFE.

Emotionally:I am done

Mentally; I am drained

Spiritually : I am almost dead

Physically : I smile

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time, but will we ever be ready to loose our loved ones. They say life is good, leaving you doing nothing but simply wondering if the so called goodness is a packet of bittersweet candy.

Acceptance of the hard balls life throws at us is hard but that is the road to recovery.”Recovery begins with embracing our pain and taking the risk to share it with others. We do this by talking about our pain.” John Bradshaw

Rest In Peace Albert Chimusumba.

Ufambe murugare watisiya neronda..

Gone but not forgotten.

 

A slight out of sight

It was a slight out of sight
for me that made me see that
he is out of mind for me..
He said he was not into public
affection but seemed more of
he did not approve of the attention
he would get from being seen with me..

A little less of the attention
anyone expects,
zero affection I got from him
but he gave me all the frustration.
Frustrated I started opening
my eyes.. slowly seeing that he
was not meant for me..
I wonder what took my sight when
his status was all about yezzus
when I need a man bragging about Jesus..

He wanted me to be the light that
made him bright so he could
twinkle to stars so he could start a life..
He knew I was gold but he thought
I was too old school for him..

I do not mean to brag but if he
wants to leave he could stretch
wider than a leaf.
When he had my head under the sand
he put his head between my legs,
he lips speaking swiftly under me..
Under me thats when you redressed me..

Bless finally when I thought
I was in a mess, you gave me every
reason to not to be in distress..
Undressed like falling
from the sky trying to kiss the
sun, you gave me shades to look
at the bright.. A shade of darkness
to reach the moon you redressed me..
Out of distress you birthed light
in me eureka! you made me found
from you..

It was a slight out of line
of me to have you in sight of me,
now you are well out of mind for me
I would never try to find..

By Emily Magadu #Chikandamina

The Color Purple

”Red and yellow and pink and blue, purple and orange and green.I can see a rainbow”.

The nursery rhyme rings in my head as I relive my childhood. I don’t know if it’s all in my head but  all I can see is a colorful childhood.But the memory is slowing fading away in a world which seems stuck between black and white or fifty shades of grey. The world has become so color conscious and the virus is quickly spreading to some 6 billion beautiful souls and it is truly disturbing. A world which classifies people and treats them according to skin color.

The tag of either black or white has left me wondering, What really is the measuring instrument when it comes to the human skin color scheme? Is there really a black person ,who is as black as or a white person who is as white as the actual color itself? Imagination of such color schemes got me rolling with laughter as I can’t even get myself to imagine the selfies on social media of people as black as coal or as white as snow.

The women and men of faith claim that we were all made in the image of God. This has since raised questions on whether the man up high is either black or white or even mixed. As I have seen certain traits being associated  with the ”black people” and certain traits being associated with ”white people” and so much for the ”colored person”. But then who sets the bar as to how people with different skins act ? Who sits at the adjudicator’s panel to write off one as black or white?

Accepting life in its entirety and taking time to appreciate the diversity and richness of all the different people will open our eyes to many things we have taken for granted . Every human being has a soul always alive and filled with infinite treasures. This can blind us from seeing and comparing the color differences but celebrating the life and beauty of each human being.We have become so color conscious  that color is considered in marriage, job offers, business deals and contract signing.

It’s funny how we have turned a blind eye to potential and beauty while focusing on color.Sometimes what one ought to do is to turn everything upside down to make sense of it. What if feeling the wind on your face, hugging your child, laughing with a friend, taking the family out on a picnic ,helping a stranger in need or watching the sun set and waking up in the morning.What if this is what it’s all about?

It’s something to stop and consider as we race through our daily lives. Let’s close our eyes to color  because we really neither black nor white. Let us close our eyes to the fifty shades of grey or the hundred colors in between black and white. Let us close our eyes to the different ethnicities , cultures. Let’s open them to see the beauty that exists in one another’s heart beyond the COLOR....

Photo credit: Vance Guwa

 

A letter to the President

This letter should have been addressed to My president but as it stands it does not feel  like it hence it is being addressed to The President. In my two decades on this earth I have always heard and watched deceiving politicians pretend to be a government for the people by the people when we all know that the kind of government we have is the kind of government that is meant for the people but is actually a government of and for the ruling party.What pains me trust me is the fact that I am yet to understand why we are proud to be called highly educated and literate in Africa when that so called education is doing nothing for the graduates, their families and the nation at large before we even talk about the world.

One then questions what really is education with all the confusion among parents and guardians and the students over the new curriculum.Is all this really relevant and there we have the responsible ministers claiming there was a consultative period before it was put in place but a few citizens would bear witness to these claims. What then is the benefit of being educated and highly literate when the certificates have since gathered dust on the walls or with many photocopies being eaten away by termites at companies were many dropped their cv’s or stuck in some Human resources manager’s email who doesn’t even know what do with them.

You preach about Zimbabwe’s education when most of your kith and kin have enrolled in Universities and colleges in Cyprus,China, India,South Africa,Canada,Malaysia just to mention a few. So are your kids just too good for this education system you have put in place or you know Harvard and UNISA are likely to earn you recognition than Zimbabwe Open University, enlighten me. Growing up we were always told that education is the key to success but in the Zimbabwean context despite this so highly educated population  we got 84%employed in the informal sector and only 11% in the formal sector leaving the educated with not so much hope and aspirations but ”kutoita gweja”.Not to mention the many kids who have been robbed of the opportunity of growing up with their parents or siblings who missed their first period, boyfriend or girlfriend, first day at school, prize giving day and even graduation simply because they were out on the grind trying to make ends meet. Makes me wonder how do you sleep at night?

We have the City fathers on a campaign that The Sunshine city is going to be of world class city status but then what really does the council and the municipality and the relevant authority have in place. So the state of Harare is truly disheartening and we can’t blame even just the authorities but even us the citizens as we are behind in our rates and all but isn’t this the case also with the government organizations who owe the council millions of dollars.And in your desperate measures to lure people to support and vote for you, you cleared huge amounts of debt owed to the councils without actually replacing these debts so if we are running our country like a kiosk or spaza shop then we are simply running in circles we are not going anywhere it is getting worse by the day.

violence in zimState enterprises, which once made up 60% of the economy, have been struggling mainly due to mismanagement and corruption, recording perennial losses and relying on Treasury for survival.How about in your parliamentary sessions you give us tangible information on how to move forward as a nation than the drama you guys give us like we are on Keeping up with the Kardashians.We are sick and tired of the members of parliament who pretend to care about the people and understand what the people in their constituencies are going through yet they even stay in a different neighborhood. I would rather be in a country without these cheats and liars than be busy wasting money giving incentives for simply being an honorable member in a silly parliament which is doing nothing for the people claimed to have voted for them into power.

We have commissions which we do not even know what they are doing for the country and the one that surprises me the most is the Human Rights Commission with all the inhuman dealings that have been going on. In your quest to control power oh dear Sir you have decided to control the media because you sure know that the pen  can make or break you. Your propaganda puts the D in disgusting. We are made to watch current affairs which literally has nothing  to do with  us as a people examples the birthday bashes, the first ladies rallies were it is evident she really needs to enroll in a school for the etiquette. We have repeats of political stuff tagged ”back by public demand” but surprisingly on social media that public will be complaining. We want diversity , politics is not the only thing that we can watch on the national broadcaster. Your broadcasting policies have since crippled the broadcasting sector and scared off potential investors.

The government’s involvement within the media has since eroded the main reasons why we have media in any country. This is to inform , educate and to entertain. Can the media be the media and the government be the government not have one try to control the other. The abduction of other journalistS God knows by who and the harassment and even their arrest has silenced many journalistS and activists yet in your constitution you preach about press freedom, freedom of expression with some clauses not fully defined only to realize after you bump into the men of the law. So I am convinced my rights are simply on paper but i can not exercise them.

The world calls us a peaceful people but because of the iron fist that leads us we have been left paralyzed  ,scared and just thanking God for the day passing with us being alive. We have a crippled economy, education sector ,mining and industrial sector ,the media should i go on. Your investment policies are the same as trying to influence someone to buy a melted icecream or zondo rine nhunzi truly hazviite and hazvishande. We want to be hopeful and reach for the stars but you have crushed our dreams and taken away the light from our children’s hands. How about we try, no not try but how about we actually be fair  so we can actually be proud citizens of an independent country and let this power be shared and see how it goes. The honest truth is we are tired and hopeless. There is no Republic called Zimbabwe we are simply a people that once was but is no more.

P.S :I am not done my second letter is coming.

 

 

 

 

 

But Why NOT ?

So there is a belief in this supernatural that it has all the answers. But we also got so many questions and a fair amount of doubt on the possible ability of the Great Supreme yet if after believing in that power we feel some comfort and assurance.  WHY NOT?

Oh how I remember the testimonies by teary men and women at our old church of what the Lord has done for them and many other people in their lives. But is this Lord a selector of men and does he work on favoritism? No not really,because of the people giving testimonies were men and women of different backgrounds,stature,tribes and colors. So I shelved my doubts and said to myself WHY NOT?

Many times we claim to have friends and relatives whom we love but the same people have hurt us and many times we have also hurt them. They say there is a thin if not even invisible line between love and hate but should we hold on to the hatred while giving up on love opting hatred.Well I have  learnt that love ignites a fire that no amount of hatred can extinguish so even after the pain and betrayal I still want my friends and relatives close because there ain’t no greater thing than love. WHY NOT?

Some talk about pain and suffering but it is really all that pain and suffering that makes the triumph even greater and much more visible. After the pain of rejection, the pain of loosing loved ones ,the pain of memories which hurt so bad and the suffering of the mind,I weighed my options and realized staying down would hurt more imagining where could be with the immense potential I have. I thought to myself, WHY NOT?

The world has its own rules made by them instituted by the elite in society. Society has its blue print making it hard for anyone to make it and oh i won’t start to lament my experience as a girl child but the rules made but the world can simply be bent, the expectations overlooked and work on being me and living my dream. So many women who made history chose to live past it all so I decided WHY NOT?

Oh I have cried so many times, the feathers in my pillow can bear witness. I cried till I could not cry anymore. Maybe I am not aware but surely have caused some pain on a dear soul. I have had pain that felt like a sword piercing into the center of my fragile heart. I have felt that I could not do it anymore and that love was overrated. I said love was not for me. I have doubted it when the princes came and prophesied their love to me. I truly rejected them without even thinking twice.But there came one dear Prince who before I could reject him I had to lift my eyes while sitting on my throne of ache and as he laid the cards in the table with a smile that sent warmth to my cold heart.

I remembered that it feels so good to love someone and even greater to be loved so i told my hurting self WHY NOT?

Whatever it is that you are going through and whatever decision that you are struggling to make right now remember you only live once. LET GO AND TAKE THE RISK BECAUSE IF IT IS ALL SAFE THEN WHERE IS THE FUN. I mean really WHY NOT?????

The Preacher’s Daughter

Like father like son, like mother like daughter and oh not forgetting the other popular one the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. But who really can say that this child is a chip off the old block and what would they have seen to be able to confidently say that to a child who many a times one has no idea how they were socialized into this tough and judgemental world.

A world which is so color conscious and seems to have a clear idea  of the difference between black and white but then what happens to all the shades which lie between grey and the unknown. Or is it because of society’s blue print and expectations that now children have to live their lives according to or based on the lives of their parents.

Growing up I have always been that other child everyone else notices because of being outspoken and that  carefree attitude. Now being a pastor’s child has clearly had its toll on me as with my type of personality so many people have felt they have the visa,passport and license to be the judges and commentators of how I row through the Life tide.

I have always asked questions that no one apparently could  answer or the ones who could will give me an answer that was far from convincing. What really is the difference between the preachers daughter and the daughter of any couple in the congregation or worse still a couple on the streets. After all we are both daughters ain’t we.

My mother and father have raised me the way they thought best but someone then thinks that I as the daughter is not doing enough but then again I ask should you blame the parents or it is the choice of the child to actually put what he or she has been socialized to into practice.

On a beautiful sunny day in the streets of Bulawayo I bumped into an elder from church wearing ripped jeans and the shock on her face even shocked me myself. I was walking with a friend and she pulled me to the side without even saying hie. She called my jeans ”literally torn” and said that it wasn’t graceful for the preachers daughter to rock the streets wearing such.

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I quickly corrected her and told her if she was to walk into a clothing boutique the pair of jeans I was wearing would be under the ripped jeans section. She went on to tell me how as a preachers daughter I contribute to other people not coming to church or some church members backsliding.

But then at the end of the day what has what I wear got to do with everyone else. So at the end of the day  the preachers daughter then has to wear what the society and church seems decent,the preachers daughter then has to talk and walk the way society and the church perceives  right.

After all I have my own life to live outside the church setting. Gossip about me and siblings travels way faster than lightning. Any other girl can be seen with a guy but for the preacher’s daughter even if its a friendly conversation it is taboo. So if i have adjudicators already scoring my life’s wrongs and rights then how about they dictate how I live it.

People are out there judging the preacher’s daughter based on what her Dad and Mom are saying on the pulpit but her life is  off the pulpit. But no one even cares about all that an angel is all they want to see but excuse me and well sorry for the disappointment but I am no angel I am but human and so is your daughter or sister or friend.

When i do wrong if you care, talk to me and help me be a better person that is if you care because if you do then you would not go around talking about me.

I am unapologetic about my opinionated persona nor my carefree attitude. No apologies for everything YOU THINK I do wrong. Not sorry for being who I am especially my passion for dance and singing. My dreadlocks which are my crown are my trademark and they are here to stay. If you associate them with something else that is just you.

So stop with the stereotypes the preacher’s children aren’t angels but they are but human.YOU EXPECT MORE THAN I CAN OFFER HENCE I AM NEVER GOOD ENOUGH BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE ALMOST PERFECT IN YOUR EYES BUT REMEMBER I AM JUST THE PREACHERS DAUGHTER AND I AM NOT SORRY FOR LIVING MY OWN LIFE.

Diary of the preacher’s daughter..

 

And Then He Was Gone

Goodbye my lover….goodbye my friend

I stood at the door watching him leave and my heart sank, I felt like a rock had been placed on my chest and I couldn’t breath anymore, my legs felt like jelly, I was breaking down and the reality of the matter was yes he was leaving.

This was the one time I got to understand the idea of a feeling that is some what overwhelming because at that particular moment I could not even put to words the emotions and or the feelings I really don’t know.

As I closed the door behind me, the pain grew and I felt like I had also closed a chapter of my life, but no I was actually opening and beginning a new one though this new one was one  never anticipated.

And it is nothing but a mystery for I don’t know what the future holds but what I do know is that despite all the questions,fears and pain I look back and with tears in my eyes, I smile because it felt so damn good and I wouldn’t want that to change and I wouldn’t ask for more.

goodbye

I cried so hard till I could cry no more. I tried calling a few friends but my voice was somehow lost and I could barely say anything.

There were a couple of pauses in between the cries as I was in my own reminisce zone. Asking my self ”What did I expect having chosen this adventure, shouldn’t I have prepared to go the whole way? Was he even as sad?

Did I think that the idea of him leaving was simply just a nightmare and I would wake up to it in sweaty pyjamas and realize  that it was only just a dream and go back to sleep. Or is it because I had not known him for a long time I thought Lady Luck would simply have compassion on my poor soul?

Or did I think that with intelligence I could avoid the ups and downs and the pain and the stress. But even the goddesses of love have stories to tell of their highs and the lows on this journey called love.

At that moment I felt way too lonely and it hurt so bad and it felt like the feeling would last for eternity, but I had to believe that the rainbow will be there after this storm that I was walking in.

My life felt like a roller coaster going way too fast and making me dizzy but I can say it also felt like a parachute jump,thus taking chances , falling over and getting up again. And even when he is gone I decide to smile about it.

It feels like mountain climbing ,wanting to get to the very top and feeling angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it.

Like  a journey on the curvy mountain tracks, I felt trapped and sick and terrified of every bend and wanting to get off at every bend but i believe this track is my destiny and God is in charge of this machine.

The mornings  are still the hardest as each sunrise comes with the emotions but like they say it gets better in time.

What ever happens I am a content and happy woman.I pray that God protects and guides the ONE who has my heart in a foreign land. The thought of him being far is truly heartbreaking but the moments I cherish make it all better.

.Now each day I listen to all the songs we listened to together and all the littlest and random things seem to remind me of you and though somehow sad I see myself smile.

I was trying to feel some kind of GOOD-bye. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even feel sad,why? I don’t care if it’s a sad good-bye or a bad good-bye, but when he walked out of the door it became clear and real he was leaving . I felt even worse and he took a part of my heart with him.

How happy I was and still am to have met such an amazing human being and the marks left in just a short period are astonishingly beautiful but oh how sad I am to have had to say goodbye.

They say goodbye only hurts when you know you will never say hello again, but for me it hurt because I didn’t want to say goodbye.

Goodbye my lover…. Goodbye my friend…..